TW: I was born a sensitive boy. My mother passed away while giving birth to me. And my father was always angry with me. I lived with my grandmother till my 8th birthday. After that my grandmother passed away on a heart attack, and I was sent back to live with my father.
Since I was a sensitive kid, everyone at my school used to call me a crybaby. While I was in my 5th standard a group of seniors bullied me so much that I ran away from school. I knew if I went home my father would be angry so I went home late. When I reached home that day my father was sitting in our veranda. As I was near him he slapped me so hard, that for a moment I was in shock. Apparently, my principal had called my father to inform me that some kid saw me getting bullied by my seniors. But I was shocked by my father’s reaction he told me I was a coward. I still remember his words “You are not a man, man don’t cry, you coward.” That night I could not sleep, the whole night I was thinking about what had gone wrong.
After a few days, my seniors called me again. That day was the most horrible day of my life. I was sexually abused by one of my seniors. He laughed at me and said no one is going to believe a crybaby. At that moment I knew something was wrong but I did not know what. I knew I couldn’t say anything to anyone.
In my 8th standard, I got to know what really happened that day. One of our teachers was explaining what touch is right and what touch is wrong. At that moment I felt very suffocating I couldn’t breathe. It felt like there wasn’t enough air in the room. I had my first panic attack that day. I felt very dirty that day. I felt like scrubbing my whole body. After that day I started hurting myself. It was like whenever I felt too much I used to bite myself. It was my escape. I stopped crying from that day onwards.
When I was in my college, one day I came across this video where one lady was speaking about mental health. She was explaining how sometimes people feel too much and that’s completely okay. At the end of the video, she stated some points that were quite familiar to me so I decided to start therapy. In my therapy session, my therapist was the first person to tell me that it is not my fault and it is completely okay to feel anger, disgust, and a range of emotions toward the person. That was the day I cried after 7 years. It’s been 3 years since I started therapy. I am 3 years clean from self-harm. I’m healing every day.
(this story is a creation of the writer and not a true story)
Himashree